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The Onion: Walk-On injures 9 starters during practice

Sep 3, 2009, 1:44 PM EDT

For the few people left on the internet who don’t know what The Onion is, this article must come as a shock as game day approaches:

During Wednesday’s afternoon practice, 17-year-old Brian Novak, a 145-pound walk-on for the struggling Notre Dame football team, injured nine starters, including third-year quarterback Jimmy Clausen, junior wide receiver Golden Tate, and 295-pound defensive lineman Ian Williams.

Novak, who had virtually no organized football experience prior to joining the Division I team, has injured a total of 24 players since his arrival in South Bend, prompting many to question whether or not the Fighting Irish have another disappointing season in store.

“I’m not really that fast or strong or anything,” said Novak, adding that of his friends back home he’s “not even close” to being the best football player. “But during my first practice with the team I was playing linebacker–or it might have been defensive end–and I got past the big blocker guys no problem, then somehow broke [starting halfback] Armando Allen’s leg with a tackle. That’s the first tackle I’ve ever attempted in my life.”

“I’m not trying to hurt them or anything, but in general I would say everyone here is a lot slower and weaker than I thought they’d be,” Novak added. “I can only bench-press about 90 pounds, but all the players gather around to watch me lift.”

According to members of the coaching staff, the former high school yearbook editor is by far the team’s most athletic player, despite Novak’s inability to do more than two pull-ups or jog a mile without walking. During an intrasquad scrimmage last Sunday, he recorded eight interceptions, rushed for 225 yards, and ruptured the Achilles tendon of safety Sergio Brown with what appeared to be a fairly slow-moving, awkward juke move.

Leave it to The Onion to ruin the Irish’s season before it even gets starter. My favorite quote of the column:

“Until Brian, I never thought about how establishing the run could create opportunities for us downfield,” said Weis, who has led the Irish to 15 losses in their last two seasons. “Novak was telling me about something called a ‘fake handoff,’ which is like this fake run thing, but then you pass it. I would assume that’s illegal, but he’s proven himself to be an amazing football player, so I trust him.”

(H/T: Her Loyal Sons)

  1. robert gilleran - Sep 3, 2009 at 4:26 PM

    1. we thank you and your staff for making nd central a place for real notre dame fans to visit very often in very large numbers.
    2. getting rid of the nd bashing crew that had hijacked this site for the past few years was a great idea for msnbc, for its parent companies, and for all companies that advertise at nd central.
    3. in the past, because of the nd bashing content, millions of notre dame fans boycotted this site and the products and services of the companies which advertised at nd central.
    4. now, every advertiser at nd central and msnbc and its parent companies will see a huge surge in purchases of their products and services from millions of real notre dame fans all over the world.
    5. we certainly hope that msnbc and its parent companies and the companies which have advertised at nd central in the past few years get their money back from the crew that previously hijacked this site and drove away millions of dollars in business.
    6. the onion story is funny. fortunately, notre dame does not run demolition derby type practices like those that pete carroll has run for years at usc with zero respect for the disasterous injuries that carroll’s practices inflict upon recruits who are foolish enough to fall for petey’s con.after all, in previous seasons, petey could just wheel away the broken bodies and move on to the next, recruits and their families are starting to catch on to petey’s con operation.
    7. yes, we did contact members of the boards of directors and alert them to the hijacking of nd central problems and they took appropriate action.

  2. Robert L. Smith - Sep 4, 2009 at 3:46 PM

    what a bunch of whiners. You want to be in the media 24/7 and get all the exposure you desire, yet you can’t take the criticism that goes along with being in the public eye? So you want to have your cake and eat it too?
    So you waste 7 bullet points whining about ND bashers and then what do you do? Bash USC in much the same way.
    You are a joke, and so is your football team, its fans, and this ridiculous TV contract. This is a public website. People can print whatever the hell they want. And to have the gall to spout off about “millions of dollars” of lost ad revenue?? Get over yourself! No one in the world stopped purchasing anything because they saw a few nasty messages on a website. Your ego has made you delusional there slappy.
    Have fun losing to Nevada

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